The world is a means to no end

I want to scratch inside of you

Take some glory home

Do it in my name

I want to free fall through your success

And come out the other side as myself.

His mouth was an unripe peach;
Every bite bitter and unyielding.
His words fell onto my tongue and
left a sour taste of disappointment in my mouth.
And yet I longed for more.

I want stasis
I want to
be trapped
forever
in amber
and never leave you
I want back
the mask
of sanity
you stole
when you
took my heart
I want
the sickness
the pain
the hurt
and the blame
to lift
and remove
the stain of you
on my brain

I hate that
you do this to me
That you're
less a man more a
Parasite under my skin
I hate that
you poisoned me and
I hate that
I let you in and that
you are so near and
I hate that
you'll probably do it
again

It is only out of love
That my wandering hands I still
(stiller now than your heart)
I arrive at the transition of your breath
-my longing to be close to you
Your body that was once my home
is now my Muse
As I turn to the audience
and present to them

You:

Stiller than my heart
and the canvas of my love
Yet still I am no more depraved
than I once was
For I found you
dead inside from the start.

I knew it was over when you
pressed your mouth and
thicker than
your tongue
blew the smoke
back into my lungs
heady and
intoxicated, a smile
of bliss
a stinging
kiss
that lingered
too long
as you force-fed
my addiction
to you

I took some
of your smoke
and you of
mine
as we shared the
burn
(like sweet nothing's)
and we spun our love out
on it
a tapestry of
passion
sharing a cigarette
-a kiss
the air now
we share
as I breathe
into you
And I become a
Dream

I flutter
against your ribcage
A Butterfly
in your stomach
Adrenaline
in your blood stream
Endorphins
in your mind
A Hummingbird
to the fruit
that is

you

Contracting,
Tensing
I feel like I could
disappear into the
darkness
fade into you
Barely breathing
-whilst breathing
Hard.

Girls (A poem in three)

Every night I lay awake
And think about
Leaving
Losing
Learning
Every night I lay awake and dread
The moment when I am lead
The day I catch a train and leave you
(I often remind myself)
There's little I can do
That every second we spend together
Laugh together
Cry together
Is another second lost
Another second bringing me further to
The moment we part
Closer than lovers
(For who could love me more than you)
It's a sad truth
But a truth universally acknowledged
That there won't be another you
And another me
That stays with you forever
Just know that we will always have each other
Trapped in amber
With all it's flaws, our friendship
We will always exist
(even when we don't)
In cups of tea
Roll ups
A tiny flat in Paris
In the notes we shared and abused
There are traces of us everywhere
And know that whenever I see blue tents
And badly applied eyeliner
I will smile and think of you.

Imaginary (A poem in three)

The awkward tumble of limbs
The sprawled out on the grass intwined
Face down in the grass
And rain falling overhead
The simple joy
Of being with two people who share my mind
That even with the absence
(and I assure you, we weren't)
Of narcotics
I would still love you dearly
That even if we weren't close to unconsciousness
I would still lie here with you in the rain
In the cold
Because the love we share is enough for me
The feelings we share
Keep me safe and warm
In the worst situations
In my darkest hour
The knowledge that even if I die
Even if we part
(which undoubtedly we will)
I will still have this moment
I will forever be seventeen
Lying on our bed of grass
Next to you
Softer than the highest quality of Egyptian cotton
(the kind I will probably never know)
And thinking nothing
Feeling nothing
Except the love I feel for you.

Three (A poem in three)

It started with violence
With a shared dislike
How is it the sweetest endings
Are born of such juxtaposing beginnings
But there was the childhood
The one that began with a convenience
That stood the test of time
Like we do now
It's unexplainable
How you can see fate in a person
But I knew from the beginning
(I know it seems unbelievable)
That we are three imaginary girls

It's not quite Teignmouth

There are traces of you everywhere
A town I pass through
-coincidence
Your hometown
It's prettier than I imagined
You had to move on I suppose
To bigger and better things
I understand
You couldn't stay a child forever

And eventually I will too
But how am I to move on
Bigger and better is absent
In the capital
Where the only still water that exists
Is the dirty dishwater in the sink
Where the only trees
Are the screwed up pieces of paper in my bin
As I try and write something meaningful

In an empty world
Without the experience to imagine
Without the unrelenting boredom
When I'm surrounded by the bustle of life
Where my greatest love is a string of wires
A cold unyielding surface
A 16GB memory
With no memory at all
(Because even fingerprints can be wiped clean)

Oh there are people I've touched
And I could write about sex
But I'm not sure what I could add to
The 'babys' and the 'ooohs'
That litter our ever so inspiring charts
I could write about nights out
The kind you could relate to
The laughs and the trouble
But I fear then there would be nothing new
Nothing inspired

So this is my defiance
Because if I cannot write of great loves
Of beautiful countryside
Or intelligent politics
I shall instead pick up a pen
-or type out hastily on my phone
A tribute to you
Even if it's the polar to your work
Even if my best attempt at poetry
Is my lack of inspiration
It will do.

The Way I Couldn't

Could you repeat what you said
I must have missed
When I was dreaming of chalky faces and painted lips
Every word you said

I cannot help his voice is sweeter than yours
That he captures my attention easier
That his words,
- Not even meant for me
Move me more than you could ever

(You might think it cruel)
Though it is no fault of mine
That his skin is smoother
His eyes prettier and his lips more tempting
Even though it's all in my mind

Is it so bad that you fail to hold my attention
That I don't look at you in the right way
That my eyes wander to distant places
That the places you take me I have already been

I'm sorry that you're not enough
Please don't despair
I'm sure some day you'll make someone very happy
And they'll be able to care

- The Way I Couldn't

Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale

She's really breathing (it) him in
Her shimmering laugh falling
From her lips curling around her
Incasing her with the smoke
Basing her like his touch

Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale

She likes the burn
Hot like his love
Misting like his kisses
It bites her
It bites her

Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale

She's on the cusp of revolution
Or so she says
She'll take the long way out
Just to get there
She missed her train
She thought she had it but it's gone

She put her game face on
Tied up her hair and chose her best shoes
She holds up the line
Her pretty face online
The sugar coated lie
That was her life
"I'll just be out for a while"
I'll be back soon
Angel on the Northern line