sara iii

i want her to bite me
gnaw me, feed on my raw meat
teeth stained with blood
wash her hair in my anatomy
chunks of my skin in her nails
her saliva to read part me,
but mostly i want to be
flecks of spittle on her lip
just to be licked and swallowed back in
i want bits of my bone and sinew
to lie in her cellar disposed
like the evidence, of passion
huddled in clothes
would to be her lungs i could
hold her breath in my soul
one cell in molecular symphony
with all those interposed with blood
lines like coke to snort up her nose
shimmer in her airways like particles of dust
tickle her cilia to sit on her chest and
turn into a cough
sit in her eyelashes to have her
wish me away
see her shed me in a flurry of cells
back down the drain
allow admittance to her pores and her veins
make friends with her ventricles
supply oxygen to her brain

i want her to murder me, secretly in
the dark- acid bath my body
to cover it up, when parents look for
me to secretly laugh
to know i'm nothing now but a few
specks of blood, feel her heart
race to think of the part when she
cut me into bits, to make an
easier task
live the moment she realises i'm gone
just to carry on hitting me cause she
can't hold it in
i want her to pummel her rage
into my face, i want to hold out my wrists
and let her take skin shapes
i want to throw back my head and
embrace her hold, around my neck
until my body is cold i want to
hang on her wall, over her bed
a sacrificial pose like the body of christ
nail my hands to her post
in murderous rage
the tattoo of her heart- in her ribcage
to pay homage to her part
on the stage of a passion of crime
in an obsessive way
i want her to take me
any way she might please
i want to be of use, my beloved
my blessed, be.

sara ii

i loved you like a Fleetwood Mac song
all ankle boots and jangly bracelets
your baggy t-shirt, overlong
doesn't hide any of your secrets
i had an idea to hold you
would have sat silent at your feet
just to hear your praise
and kiss the space in-between

i know that you're heavy with him
he's made you fat like an overripe peach
(still not i know his name,
inconsequential as he is)
made you round and tame
like you're diseased within
this private thing you're holding,
a belly full of lies
i hate that you're swollen
that you'll continue his bloodlines
i don't care if it sounds hateful
don't pick out any names
i would have you miscarry
i am just that inhumane

i hate that you might become sober
might be any less of a pain
that one day you'll be a mother and
lose that step which seems so free
your expressive soft treaded gait
become so dull and ordinary
encumbered by the weight
of offspring yet to be
i want you as you are now
the crunch in autumns stop
a heady moody slumber
which tends to forget
my very own sara, poet
in my heart you might be
i want to play you love songs
the sound of my loneliness in dreams

if, by chance i'm wrong
and you've just gained
some kind of softness
i would hold you in both hands
and kiss all of your fullness
my body would hold the weight of you
there's nothing i would see you lose
you couldn't pry away my fingers
from your soft middle, in proof
i'd feed you sweets and dinner
just to have more of you
if i could hold you in handfuls
cherry pick is what i'd do
spread you out like a banquet
i'd give you the finest fruit
feed you by hand apricots
with the intent to pollute
that sickening desire the
thought of child within
for as i cannot give you my own
i'd commit this mortal sin

birdmad

she was the year i went colourblind
the pixels stuck in my eyes
like my propensity to rhyme
her hair choked me, absolutely wrote me
into a drain, matted down in the bath
her lips disdained me, curled around
pointed teeth which would mar me
her wicked tongue which would teach me
to be unloved in no uncertain terms
her eyes that seemed dead inside
made me only want to light her
take her brittle bird bones and pursue her
beautiful though she was unusual
the kind of cold you only get from
unloving fathers and distant mothers
that's not to say she was family
but i always take great joy in
pining for the love that is, so far from easy

bl00dstream

i'd let you suck the pulse out of my neck

let you in my airways to steal my breath

i don't care that your bloodstream

might not match with mine

i'll go out of my way to be your type

i'm nothing without you

a lonely wall without a roof

i can't tear my eyes

because they're yours to keep

i'm keeping time on your hips

clocking every time you twitch

the bounce in your step

makes the soles of my feet

start to itch

there's no sweeter cohesion 

than the space between your lips

if your tongue were mine

every bite and every sip

would roll perfectly 

from start to tip

there are things that dreams forget

like the ring i gave to you

when you stood by my side

in urgent christian manner

and became my wife

i'd stand in front of god for you

let any holy ghost seep through

attest my faith in anything

just to share in your name

and hear your choir of angels sing

sara i

tiny and sharp tongued
afraid of confrontation
a little weak at heart
constant remonstration
when you bear those teeth
you're about as cuddly as a shark
but it's in this warmth i long to
give you in my grasp
if i can love you,
even as you are so cold
if i could push my hands
through limp hair
and claim your lips for my own
if i could impart the wisdom
of lover's love unheard,
that i love you anyway
it's not that absurd
you don't have to be prettier
to deserve my heart
you don't have to trade your personality
for anything less than stark
we can love hot and cold-
and create together new life
we can be just as great
-as your cold blooded heart

a drink to you,
my precious bitch
a drink until it's light
if you were anything less than unkind
you wouldn't be worth the fight
it's not just that you're 'zany'
a look is just enough
to put me in my place
and instantly shut me up
if i thought that i would do anything
in the past, for love
i didn't have an inkling
of what i am capable of
if i'd met you sooner
perhaps you'd be more a delight
but i prefer you this way
you irritable cry for help

whenever i catch you laughing
i'm just shocked at the sight
i didn't think you had
thoughts and feelings
that weren't posthumously dark
i imagine our coupling
as a way to pick a fight
and the make up after
enough to sort me out
it's not that you're not loving
and i'm sure you sometimes smile
i just love to love the fury
that tempts to overflow
it's a wonder now then,
that your face lights up at all
that you speak with understanding
and not from behind a wall
i get that you're stressed
and i get that you've got to work
but it makes me want to throw you down
and kiss you in the dirt

if i could pay for your attention
i'd pay a pretty dime
i'd hire you for hours
-you're more than worth my time
i'm not trying to objectify
and i know no woman is a whore
i'm just trying to convey the desperation
of always wanting more
i know it's inappropriate
and i know that you're not gay
but it's past understanding
i love you anyway.

human condition

about my human condition
does it have a cure
can i hook myself on drips and wires
and medicate this mortal coil
this affliction i'm coming down with
which makes me ill with sickening ease
as it slips through cracks and cuts
in my skin to taint
the fragile infrastructure within
the raw flesh of feeling
sits heavy on my tongue
speak to me from the embers
the spark that's chained me up
these bleached bones at your feet
is my part in you

mr ogyny

i bet you hate women

i can see it through that thin veneer

and if it were possible to

cease and desist

you diseased little kid

with ideas and imagination

that would burn our world to 

ruination turn

nations and populations to

dust in his lungs

just so he could

have a little fun

bio-graphic

my life is like a story
i've forgotten to write
i open my mouth to try
and the words
wont come out
i'm fussy and forgetful
and i always get it wrong
i tell the truth at every cost
even if it gives me hell

i uncover the stone
i'm hiding under
forget that people are
scared of the dark
i try to lie to myself
to make it better
but i'm just without

how are you supposed
to tell your mother
you're tired of life
i could fill this room
with so many things
i could fill a house
-with the absence of feeling
i could fill it out

i could cry to myself
and wonder how
it is i became
so lost and without
a drive to stay
but it's a laughing matter,
i've always been this way
i feel a failure
around people of my age
i feel guilty
that i've already caved

mechanical heart

inside this paper body

this flimsy fragile mind

sits deep and dark

in blood and skin 

sits wonder for a 

mechanical heart

in organ rich and slippery

sits next to 

bone work frame

statuette of primitive art

mechanical heart

i want to trade

with ticks all metered

and tocks aligned

a metal heart

would do just fine

never worn

and never stutter

a metal heart

might never

falter.

could i

every time you empty mouthed
i lose a little soul
every time i hear meaningless nothings
that mean nothing at all
i lose a little something
that leaves me cold
do these moments that we share
last forever on your lips
does it stick like superglue
and make you feel sick
every time i try and fail
to get through to you

(every moment i bear the guilt)
i walk a little shorter
and further from you
every moment a word slips
from mine to yours
filling your stomach
with nothing at all
if one word were to nourish
don't worry
i'd speak them all
and if i thought that saying nothing
would in any way prevent your fall
i'd throw away my voice
i'd throw away it all
if i could feed you encouragement
you'd be my baby bird
if i could somehow transcend
a wisdom which was unheard
i'd pass through you like water
and fix your aching pores
i'd travel through your bloodstream
and whisper food for thought
i could take out my toolkit
and rewire inside your brain
i'd take care to remove
your struggles and your pain
if i could manipulate your
subconscious
if i were that refined
i'd let you come to something
that would let you change your mind
if i could hand you cutlery
and tell you it's okay
that eating is a necessity
i'd tell you every day

hell within

i am your second hand smoke
crawling out and into your throat
reaching claws so sharp,
some demon they denote
curling round vestal organs
and squeezing them to pulp
i am smoke and mirrors
your racing heart fears
reflecting yourself so dark
the hell within me,
for within me hell i bring

nothing gives

i can fill me with this-
these words and meaningless
that nothing gives
i can find some kind of existence
in the pretence of bliss
i can in anger, make true
But nothing gives
i can make the words
that lovers live
but past emulation
this symposium of grief
a charade of heat
I, nothing gives.

listen

i feel this
this aching desire to be heard
but without the voice
for true inspiration to be bestowed
i feel this
waiting soft love to be known
though i lack the heart
for any lovers love be won
i feel this
darkness from within
horrifying enough to colour night
but not the strength enough
to exact upon (a canvas) my might

femanism

once you start to decide
for whose rights are worth fighting
you miss the point entirely
so let me tell you brother
i would fight for you any day of the week
paternal leave,
the right to cry and not be weak,
victim of a crime and allowed to speak,
a stay at home dad is a feat to
achieve and i believe
attention to looks doesn't have to mean anything
and don't pay for the date, this is about equality
there's more to you than what your wallet has to say
and just because you're a little boy,
doesn't mean you're dirty or cheeky
and if men look like action man
why does he have a gun
and why the fuck do so many of these toys
promote war mongering
and so what you like art or poetry,
it doesn't make you any weirder
and if a girl hits you first, you
shouldn't wait till it gets harder
and if you've been raped you aren't
any less of a man
i know your mental health is as important as any woman's
and if you have acne, up to your back teeth
i believe in your right to cover it up
or maybe you just want your eyes to have a little pop
i wouldn't look at you twice in the street
just for wearing make up
and if you have cancer
i don't care where it is as long as you
have the best. goddamn. treatment
women don't own breast tissue
(or the colour pink for that matter)
if you're young and black
i'm not going to cross the street
and if you're gay i'm not going to ask
what fucking musical to see
so what you're a muslim,
i'm not going to get off the train
why would i assume you're a terrorist
islam doesn't make you insane
and if you weren't biologically born a man
it doesn't matter
i will fight for your right to be
accepted in the broad male prism

when

if we are to die
leave with me now
while the waters unite
and the pleasant pleasure
of buckled sin
is well within sight

if we are to die
say you'll find a place
between here and now
to let my soul take flight
and let the silence begin

if we are to die
let us not fight
and if we are to depart
(from each others eyes)
say that we'll meet again

and if we are to die
and my killer's on the loose
promise you'll kiss him
say we knew the most
that we are to die
and it wasn't for him to choose

queer

i've never been just one thing
i'm caught in between
mixed and matched, to the max
i've heard it's quite a scream
i'm always swinging both ways
i just can't make up my mind
i like a dress and makeup
but i love a suit and tie
really i want the freedom
to be just who i am
a little bit of everything
and a little bit more than
i want to split my gender
i want to give both a go
feminism in one hand
and turn the heads of girls
i want to be a Grecian lover
when society had no confines
i wish i had the brawn to bring
my lover to my side
loving women is easy
their softness beckons your fall
i want short hair and sapphic looks
i want to look them all
i long to be looked after
i want to rob you of free will
bend you over backwards
be sadistic and cruel
it's not all that easy
living in this mono world
where i am supposed to choose
my clothes with certain rules
i find myself quite petrified
when people ask just who i am
i want to be everything all at once
and i can tell you, i am