narcissus

through glassy eyes do you see
reflect back all you long to be
this pane of glass, another world
he is alice in his Wonderland

Narcissus your vanity is killing me
this mask didn't exist naturally
you have some tremendous nerve
when the meek shall inherit the earth

take care my love, don't drown yourself
you've swum much too far out for help
this lifejacket only floats so far
and you're knocking on death's door

Narcissus please stay awhile
my cocoon pales to your butterfly
mould me not on your celestial features
i am only god's mortal creature

Angel from the great chain of being
lift me from this place i'm kneeling
Narcissus let me taste your wrath
i'm beyond the point of looking back

Narcissus i want to tear your skin
let me wear you slightly in
i'll hang you off, you'll see it clearer
staring forever in my bedroom mirror

you're like a piece of artwork

you inspire me to take flight

you are the sun to Icarus's wings

but i'm afraid to get burnt

your words drip onto me

like wax upon my skin

sting so sweet and stick to me

and pull me slyly in

to your always waiting lips

as you breathe me in

a pomegranate seed so sweet

take me back under again

the world is a means to no end

i imagine chemical warfare
i imagine trees burning
children crying
an apocalypse in my head

i imagine your stare
i imagine a burn
as we bled with a pain
so terrible we can't return

i imagine a world in ruins
i imagine there's nothing gained
a loss too great to feign
to recover in our lifetime

don't imagine all the people
living in the world
we don't deserve it
we have only lost what we claimed to have won

imagine a utopia
imagine life as something we have to earn
imagine if we loved each other
imagine if we saw life as a gift
and not a race to an end.

I'll stay awake forever
I'm scared that if I close my eyes you'll disappear
I know you deserve better
but I'm too jealous to let you go

it doesn't matter that I'd give you my blood
when he can give you something else
it's not that I want you to feel unloved
it's that I don't want him to love you

I hate to think of you in his embrace
and the thought makes me sick
I want to wipe that smile off his face
every time you touch, every time you kiss

maybe I'm just bitter, in fact I know that I am
love tastes sweeter than I could understand
when it's not wrapped around me
I long for it to return.

Long hair and painted lips
this gothic extreme wants a kiss
she laughs a laugh that bites
the abrasive love that I live
She knows not where she's going to

she leaves with a whisper
I shall see you again
this mermaid on solid land
the nails that cut against skin
reaches out and gives her hand

drowns in clean air
she smokes to feel the burn
against her lips that pull you in
the ones that always leave
a dirty taste that reeks of sin

cold winter winds
that bite and pursue
how could I feel them
when I'm with you

long arms to wrap around
long arms to hold
my pretty baby wraps me up
keeps me from the cold

eyes to ensnare
and a smile to match
I never know what you're thinking
my heads a mess

I'd love you until our hearts grow old
a few drunken fumbles weren't enough
I needed you to hold
hold onto me
until I disappear into the ground

you smile as I nurse
a drink that grows warm
could you tell that I didn't want to let go
and true to form
you go, and I'm left, alone

(old apples)

fermented temptation
slightly past your sell-by-date
just a little overdone
it's a wonder no-one thought to turn you off
when you try and turn them on
a blown out fuse
with a faulty switch
liable to twitch and make you itch
the faintly alluring musk they used to sell
salt and pepper, with not much shake at all
a rusty metal but a precious one still
a toothy ache within a smile

don't ever change, my weatherbeat
you have to try but naught for me
my be-autiful ornate antique

she taps a complicated rhythm
she feels it in her finger-tips
aching to hold a neck
she reaches out to touch
manipulates her only crutch
head nods with the unsaid
the music only she hears, in her head
planes of consistency she wants to break
wants the earth to shatter, to break
send tremors through her skin
buzz of something more existent
more alive than reality
struck down by mortality.

push me blue
push me pink
push me anyway you think
push me red
push me yellow
i'm feeling mellow,
feeling mellow

you pushed me pink
on the bed
and i woke up feeling hollow
i saw you leave simply red
without so much as a 'hello'
you left me green in my head

you are the clear
are my prism
fading blue again
my ultra-violet romance
my provoker of sin

people look at me like i'm strange
and sometimes i feel alone
no one understand the mania
perpetrator undergoes
lover of the underdog
why do only i sympathise
when young kids with no hope
just grow up to die
i sometimes think i'm sick
for relating so, to sin
but i shake it off like april rain
if life's a game, why shouldn't i win?

i feel like such a stranger
looking from the outside in
sleep strange angel, there's no return now
i've betrayed my brothers and my kin
kiss away the pain
remember the last farewell

boy, i know i'm deranged
that's why i'm in this hell

I feel them watching me
they reach out to grab
as I turn from the vision
without a sound
they follow me home
they follow me down
to the recess of my mind
I show them how
I reach out to touch
my hand closes on thin air
I see them fade
they disappear
laugh at me from the dark
they taunt and persuade
tell me to join the dark
and follow their parade
I shy away from their play
but the haunting music remains
and I see the horror
born on stage

I am melancholy girl
Staring in the mirror
Don't recognise myself
I am what you made of me

I am oyster boy
Staring at the sea
Still a grain of sand
You are yet to define me

I know I'll fail because I wrote songs
at least I know it was all worthwhile
even if it's a few empty words
-a spoken verse
there'll be something of me when I'm gone
and perhaps you would think more of me
Perhaps, you would read me when you're alone.

how many years has it been
since you heard a voice
not harsh and uncaring
but soft and comforting
how many years
did the walls soak in
like insulation
bitterness and anger
this is the house that hate built
the house where you grew up
four walls
four curse words
not a roof
but an angry sky.

her petticoat falls around her
her fluttering heart a frightened bird
the crowd of empty hearts
didn't love her well enough till now
no one offers her sympathy
as she plays with the crowd
watching her undress
feeling too much like a girl
she's much too young
but they're hungry and she's lunch
so easily corrupted and persuaded
not place left untouched
she loves daddies friends
not objectifiable enough
but an object enough to sin
a ragdoll for the masses
my silly Sally ragdoll lets them in.

you ground me
keep me heavy
my beloved lead balloon
my gravitational pull
a silvery moon with black eyeliner
and a penchant to croon
you are the reason to my ever changing tide
you keep me from the wild
the reign to my free charge
you keep my free spirit level
funereal beauty I long to trap
you are the perfect boy
and you belong in a perfect world
I would trade my life
for another second of you.

there's a world of literature in my head
but when you speak your words are empty
you burn books in front of my waking eyes
and your eyes, they're always dead
it gets to me that you can't empathise
I wonder how you stay awake
with the world passing right before you
and you simply fail to relate
you refuse to let anyone in
there's an air of mystery
over why people love you
they shower you in kisses
while you care naught for them
you are so unpoetic
so very unrefined
you are clumsy with your words
I wonder why we're friends
you are ever so brash
untoward and rightly thin
for love just slips past you
like a cold Northernly wind.

I'll play the spin doctor for a while
I'll wear a bow and arrow
I'll feed you lies, for a while
in what universe were you mine, I'd like to know
it doesn't make sense to me either
I know you think you've got me
and I don't know what I'm doing
but I'm conscious every step of the way
in what universe were we friends
you ask me
and wouldn't you like to know
not too old for me
lest too jaded
not too much a fool
but less made one
I'd like to pick you off
like cherry blossoms
and feed you to my friends
analyse you with a drink of wine
and knock you for ten
I cannot explain how nice it feels
to be the one to make you wish you were someone else
so here's your starter for ten
life is like a game, is it not
when you angle it at your next prey
I'd take my gloves off but
you don't fight fair
I suppose you think this is about you
but it's not
I'll be writing poetry
when you're dead and gone
with some practice you'll learn
don't fuck with me again

serve me a reminder not to fall in love again
remind me not to let anyone else in again
you clipped my wings just when I thought I could fly
I'm Icarus in the diaphanous folds of your sky
the sun shines bright but you shine brighter still
the way you came after me was overkill
I wasn't ready for the burn of what you had to give
my mind struggles to recall when I gave you the incentive
I blame myself for letting things get this far
and now I'll forever bear your scar
my heart's a plethora of disease, I'd rather take a heart attack
than love you for another minute. The wax,
it falls away from my eyes
your rays, they set my fragile wings alight
like Pandora's box
I keep hope deep inside
what else have I got
but these things that remind
that I haven't got you
just for a second, please
Hold tight.
I'm trying to pretend that loving you is easy
so I'll choke on a smile and I'll close my eyes
and I'll dream of you;
The Light of my Life

I don't see the point in anything
No I don't see at all
I look to the future and all I see
is a wasteland coming for me
the twilight falls over me
I'm stuck in this forsaken zone
Oh Lord
when are you coming for me
cause I've been waiting for too long

I don't see sunshine
cause I don't need it
this darkened sky is all I need
I'd pick you up so you could touch it
but you're always so fucking cold.
you think I'm stupid but I'm not
you think I'm unless but you're wrong
I don't need you
I wouldn't buy you if you were the last in stock.

I stare as I
Watch the gentle rise
The gentle fall
The moment when
She struggles for air
She shakes with the high
Quite the lover
Less the other
More untwined
Twinned with the breeze
As she breathes me out
Breathes me in
I hold her in my arms
And keep her tight
I keep her safe
As her heart fails in my embrace
I let her fall through me
As rain in a flood
The dying girl
For the weak
I could live a thousand years
And I wouldn't be able to save
The words trickle from my mouth
In a honeyed whisper
"the world is a means to no end"

I don't want to be here
when the walls come crashing down
when our bed is mine again, when
even my pillow smells like me again

I don't want to be here
when my sheets are washed
when any remnant of our love, when
the creases are ironed of us

I don't want to be here
when your clothes are no longer yours
when they are tucked in my drawers,
instead of strewn on my floor

I don't want to be here
when happiness is a distant memory
when there is no one to smile at, when
I'm not woken up by you again.

Iambic trimeter

I am Jack's broken heart
left poison, in my blood.
You had me from the start,
to love the way you did
The blood that courses in
is hot with blinded love
where you have left has been
an ache to hurt, remind of
-a black hole that is your touch
that made whole worlds vanish
swallowed my reason too much
rabbit holes, like Alice
I bleed to death for you
but still you do not come
Instead I'll rest my eyes tonight
and pray to god to kill sunlight

It wasn't just my breath you stole,
but my heart, it now belongs to you
I love your lips,
the way they stretch,
your teeth and the way you mess
Me up inside
so I can't think
Your sapphire eyes that make me
blink
the vacancy of your stare that makes me
think
that you're not here, so I
keep
you cold, and still lying next to me

and even though you cannot feel,
I know you like it, when I steal
a kiss from those
splendid lips
my warm hand, upon
your hips
and I wont apologise, wont say
"sorry"
I distinctly remember you saying

You'd love me
"over your dead body."

The world is a means to no end

I want to scratch inside of you

Take some glory home

Do it in my name

I want to free fall through your success

And come out the other side as myself.

His mouth was an unripe peach;
Every bite bitter and unyielding.
His words fell onto my tongue and
left a sour taste of disappointment in my mouth.
And yet I longed for more.

I want stasis
I want to
be trapped
forever
in amber
and never leave you
I want back
the mask
of sanity
you stole
when you
took my heart
I want
the sickness
the pain
the hurt
and the blame
to lift
and remove
the stain of you
on my brain

I hate that
you do this to me
That you're
less a man more a
Parasite under my skin
I hate that
you poisoned me and
I hate that
I let you in and that
you are so near and
I hate that
you'll probably do it
again

It is only out of love
That my wandering hands I still
(stiller now than your heart)
I arrive at the transition of your breath
-my longing to be close to you
Your body that was once my home
is now my Muse
As I turn to the audience
and present to them

You:

Stiller than my heart
and the canvas of my love
Yet still I am no more depraved
than I once was
For I found you
dead inside from the start.

I knew it was over when you
pressed your mouth and
thicker than
your tongue
blew the smoke
back into my lungs
heady and
intoxicated, a smile
of bliss
a stinging
kiss
that lingered
too long
as you force-fed
my addiction
to you

I took some
of your smoke
and you of
mine
as we shared the
burn
(like sweet nothing's)
and we spun our love out
on it
a tapestry of
passion
sharing a cigarette
-a kiss
the air now
we share
as I breathe
into you
And I become a
Dream

I flutter
against your ribcage
A Butterfly
in your stomach
Adrenaline
in your blood stream
Endorphins
in your mind
A Hummingbird
to the fruit
that is

you

Contracting,
Tensing
I feel like I could
disappear into the
darkness
fade into you
Barely breathing
-whilst breathing
Hard.

Girls (A poem in three)

Every night I lay awake
And think about
Leaving
Losing
Learning
Every night I lay awake and dread
The moment when I am lead
The day I catch a train and leave you
(I often remind myself)
There's little I can do
That every second we spend together
Laugh together
Cry together
Is another second lost
Another second bringing me further to
The moment we part
Closer than lovers
(For who could love me more than you)
It's a sad truth
But a truth universally acknowledged
That there won't be another you
And another me
That stays with you forever
Just know that we will always have each other
Trapped in amber
With all it's flaws, our friendship
We will always exist
(even when we don't)
In cups of tea
Roll ups
A tiny flat in Paris
In the notes we shared and abused
There are traces of us everywhere
And know that whenever I see blue tents
And badly applied eyeliner
I will smile and think of you.

Imaginary (A poem in three)

The awkward tumble of limbs
The sprawled out on the grass intwined
Face down in the grass
And rain falling overhead
The simple joy
Of being with two people who share my mind
That even with the absence
(and I assure you, we weren't)
Of narcotics
I would still love you dearly
That even if we weren't close to unconsciousness
I would still lie here with you in the rain
In the cold
Because the love we share is enough for me
The feelings we share
Keep me safe and warm
In the worst situations
In my darkest hour
The knowledge that even if I die
Even if we part
(which undoubtedly we will)
I will still have this moment
I will forever be seventeen
Lying on our bed of grass
Next to you
Softer than the highest quality of Egyptian cotton
(the kind I will probably never know)
And thinking nothing
Feeling nothing
Except the love I feel for you.

Three (A poem in three)

It started with violence
With a shared dislike
How is it the sweetest endings
Are born of such juxtaposing beginnings
But there was the childhood
The one that began with a convenience
That stood the test of time
Like we do now
It's unexplainable
How you can see fate in a person
But I knew from the beginning
(I know it seems unbelievable)
That we are three imaginary girls

It's not quite Teignmouth

There are traces of you everywhere
A town I pass through
-coincidence
Your hometown
It's prettier than I imagined
You had to move on I suppose
To bigger and better things
I understand
You couldn't stay a child forever

And eventually I will too
But how am I to move on
Bigger and better is absent
In the capital
Where the only still water that exists
Is the dirty dishwater in the sink
Where the only trees
Are the screwed up pieces of paper in my bin
As I try and write something meaningful

In an empty world
Without the experience to imagine
Without the unrelenting boredom
When I'm surrounded by the bustle of life
Where my greatest love is a string of wires
A cold unyielding surface
A 16GB memory
With no memory at all
(Because even fingerprints can be wiped clean)

Oh there are people I've touched
And I could write about sex
But I'm not sure what I could add to
The 'babys' and the 'ooohs'
That litter our ever so inspiring charts
I could write about nights out
The kind you could relate to
The laughs and the trouble
But I fear then there would be nothing new
Nothing inspired

So this is my defiance
Because if I cannot write of great loves
Of beautiful countryside
Or intelligent politics
I shall instead pick up a pen
-or type out hastily on my phone
A tribute to you
Even if it's the polar to your work
Even if my best attempt at poetry
Is my lack of inspiration
It will do.

The Way I Couldn't

Could you repeat what you said
I must have missed
When I was dreaming of chalky faces and painted lips
Every word you said

I cannot help his voice is sweeter than yours
That he captures my attention easier
That his words,
- Not even meant for me
Move me more than you could ever

(You might think it cruel)
Though it is no fault of mine
That his skin is smoother
His eyes prettier and his lips more tempting
Even though it's all in my mind

Is it so bad that you fail to hold my attention
That I don't look at you in the right way
That my eyes wander to distant places
That the places you take me I have already been

I'm sorry that you're not enough
Please don't despair
I'm sure some day you'll make someone very happy
And they'll be able to care

- The Way I Couldn't

Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale

She's really breathing (it) him in
Her shimmering laugh falling
From her lips curling around her
Incasing her with the smoke
Basing her like his touch

Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale

She likes the burn
Hot like his love
Misting like his kisses
It bites her
It bites her

Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale
Pull. Flick. Exhale

She's on the cusp of revolution
Or so she says
She'll take the long way out
Just to get there
She missed her train
She thought she had it but it's gone

She put her game face on
Tied up her hair and chose her best shoes
She holds up the line
Her pretty face online
The sugar coated lie
That was her life
"I'll just be out for a while"
I'll be back soon
Angel on the Northern line

You're so inconsiquential

You are no work of art

You weren't made with god's hand

Or by the kind of heart

I find you so unreachable- unmanageable

I wonder how you sleep at night

Do you rest your head on dirty pillows

And dream of wingless flight

You are in fact the lecher's dream

The decrepit shrine inside god's house

I bet you lie on pins

Just to ease your conscience out

You are no Lolita, no nymphet

And it's no surprise you lose respect

The way you walk about

I'd like to exorcise you

To get those demons out

But I fear there's nothing left to you

Just a crying pathetic child

God help you if you're weak

I hope you find your light

Inside that abyss you call a heart

I'm sure you'll work it out

But I must admit

I am forced to suggest

I daresay you'll have more luck

In a length of rope

Than a young girl's dress

In the end I'll feel no remorse

And who am I to judge

You're a plague loving psychopath

But I'm no Midas Touch

There is a fine line between good and bad

Still it pains me much

There is some awful symmetry between us

And you are my prevailing part.

I want it so loud my ears are ringing for days

the whisper of your melancholy words in my brain

I want it to attack when I least expect 

and render me incapable of coherent thought

your lucid pronunciation becomes my own

I start to lose myself in whispered words, I'm undone

let the drip of conscious slide down my back

as I'm released back into your arms where I belong

like tapping fingers on my throat you consume

the cloud of you the air I breathe begins to choke

easily they fall from your lips

to bring sweet pestilence to my ear

the note rumbles from you as an earthquake to a shore

the wave of you seduces me

and leaves me an open sore

the sustain in your throat leaves me with bated breath

as you suck from my lungs the air and you begin to possess

the candid silence I hear in your pause

I've known from the very start: I'm yours.

your tender kiss lands upon my lobe

I bathe in the poignant simplicity of your verse

it swims around my love of your spoken word

you condemn me to deliverance

one that I cannot forgo

you lick me prosey and a delight

for yours is one I cannot forget

you speak again and wind around me

like a ribbon for a child you're affluent within
how long is a piece of string you may ask
about as long as my fondness for your voice, my love.

Loving you was a fantasy that I held onto

For so long it became a story

A sad tale of misfortune

A desire unfulfilled like so many

Left behind, like broken childhood toys

And this one just like the others

All fade with time

It's hard to hold this candle

While you're not mine

I could almost taste you on my tongue

I almost had you

But now you're gone.

Didn't you see that I was fragile

That you should hold me up the right way?

Glass bones to break me with

Shattered inside of me

Splinters of my longing

Embedded in my tongue

So it hurts when I don't talk of you

Of what we could've done

It alters when it alteration finds

Well I find alteration in you

And it's one I don't like

I'm sick of defending you

Being taken for a ride

As we walk towards the end

It's the end

Of a life

I am an instrument of destruction

The pinnacle of realisation

Moving faster and faster

Towards salvation

Of the cruellest kind

I'd written you pretty

I wont apologise for feeling

For being

More than you could handle

Bite my tongue

Speak volumes

Or close my eyes

If you're a force of nature

Then tell me how to feel

Doesn't stop it being real

In my mind

You're already here

But we're

Father away

Than ever

We're scared

And everyone's a fucking terrorist

Lay your cards on

The table's full

Of your ignorance and empty bottled

Dreams

I don't care if it hurts

just lay it bare

The truth will do

But for how long

Can I listen to you?

A desire to interrupt

To break you down

Fills me with malice

"We're living in wonderland Alice"

I'll drink you up

And become bigger than you

You're the bottled poison

I'd love to devour

To consume

Stay away from this one

Please promise me you will

She'll eat your heart

If she gets the chance

And chances are she will

She stares and guides

With starry eyes

And leads you to your fall

Not beast

Nor no, not man

For aye she's twice as cruel

A Medusa in her own right

Soon stone your heart will be

My lady puts villains to shame

And that dame, is me

Blood ties

Blood binds

Blood cries

Blood tears

Blood time

Blood lies

Blood feels

Blood signs

Blood hides

Blood minds

Blood highs

Blood, mine.